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To My Telemarketing Relatives

I’m a marketer.

Telemarketers are also marketers.

We’re technically part of the same professional family.

I need to be as honest with my professional family as I am with members of my personal family.

If they were to join me for Thanksgiving Dinner… this is what I’d say to them…

To all of you seated at this table about to enjoy a delicious feast… On behalf of the rest of the family… I’ve got to be honest with you. You’re making us all look bad. You’re family, so I have to love you. But I don’t have to like you. I know you’re in denial – but you’ve got to know… You have a problem… Everyone is talking about it. It’s embarrassing.

I have a message for each of you around this table…

Cousin Pre-Recorded,
Please stop pre-recording your messages, no one is listening. And yes… very clever your message sits on my answering machine… And… yes… very clever… It is hard enough to get a word in edgewise with a live pitch – but to have no way to respond to a recording. I’m sure you’re proud of the evolution you’ve made to the world of telemarketing.

Uncle Pants On Fire,
Stop stating you’re calling from the “phone company” when you’re really MCI trying to sell me a long-distance plan.

“Thomas” Fake Friend of the Family,
Please stop calling me and being overly casual – trying to make it sound like you’re a buddy I know named “Thomas” calling about re-financing my home loan. If you truly were a friend of mine, Thomas, you’d know I don’t have a home loan.

“Hey, this is Thomas with the Mortgage Center. Looks like I’ve missed you guys again… Please give me a call back it’s (number stated here). We’ve got good news! You’ve been pre-approved for a re-financed mortgage on your home loan. The number again…(number stated here).

You can give me call back, (number stated here) Thanks guys!”

Dear Aunty Put-Down,
Stop trying to make me feel like an imbicile if I don’t take advantage of your incredible savings that will save me literally hundreds of dollars in just the first 30-days alone.

Dear Non-Profit Cousin,
Stop calling me and telling me you keep your costs down by NOT having a website where I can get more information about your non-profit pitch. Invest the $99 in a site and perhaps I’ll purchase. Until then, I’m not giving you any money.

All of you…

Yes… I know these bits works once in a while. The law of averages makes it so you get someone gullible who listens to your pitch. Perhaps they are too weak or polite to say “No, thank you.” You make them change their long-distance plan or decide to opt-in to the 30-day-free-but-if-you-forget-to-call-and-cancel-you-automatically-bill-my-credit-card program.

Do you really want gullible money? Is that how you want to make your living?

While you like the thrill and the challenge of bagging another sale, you’ve got to know, there are literally millions of folks just like me out there… who… simply because you are making an unsolicited phone pitch will refuse to purchase ANYTHING you offer.

Thanks for listening. Please pass the stuffing.

For Christmas, let’s invite the Spammers over for dinner.

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